4 Reasons You Keep Attracting Emotionally Unavailable People

If you keep ending up with people who ghost you, lead you on, or only open up at 1 a.m. after three tequila shots, it’s probably not just bad luck. It’s a pattern, and patterns don’t repeat themselves for no reason. So let’s talk about why this keeps happening, and more importantly, how you can break the cycle.

1. You confuse intensity with love.

You meet someone and the chemistry is insane. You’re texting non-stop, having late-night convos, and getting hit with that “I’ve never felt this way before” energy. It feels like a rom-com montage. But then they pull back, get weird, or disappear altogether, and you’re left wondering what just happened. This isn’t love, it’s a dopamine rush. Some people feed off that spark, but when things start getting serious, they retreat because they don’t actually want to commit. You end up hurt, not because you missed the signs, but because when you're desperate for closeness, intensity can feel like love. So next time, slow down. Ask yourself: do they make me feel emotionally safe, or just emotionally high? Real love builds gradually, not through chaos disguised as chemistry.

2. You fall for potential instead of reality.

You’re not dating them, you’re dating their future self. The version of them that finally goes to therapy, texts back consistently, and magically becomes emotionally available. But potential is a fantasy. People show you who they are, and it’s up to you to believe them. Waiting for someone to “get it together” while you keep pouring into a half-empty cup will only leave you drained and disappointed. Ask yourself, if they never change, would I still want this? If the answer is no, it’s not your job to stay and hope. It’s your job to stop romanticizing the version that only exists in your head and start choosing reality instead.